sexual enhancement

this man , suffering from sexual dysfunction...decided to turn his negative into a positive...that is to say...he opened up a shop that was to sell only the top line of sexual enhancement formulas...thing is...through a variety of strange circumstances...he was to discover that 99.5. % of his clients...used the stuff he sold in order to have reasonable fucks with sheep...i told this man..."it could be worse".

a tail of two clergymen

once upon a time there were two clergymen...both had their own little theory on prayer...the first decided that prayer was meditation upon ones past...allowing gods love to shine brightly upon all the good and bad...revealing everything in good time so all can be dealt with appropriately...the second clergyman...decided that prayer was screaming and hollering at the divine one...as well as commanding satan to piss off and give up all the money and shit god had in store for him...two years later...the first minister got fired...and the second got his own t.v. program...amen .   

alanis morsette / "ironic"

i walk into the liquor commission...there were these two tellers standing side by side...i say to them..."don't you think that it's ironic that someone would make millions of dollars off a song called 'ironic'...and she doesn't even know what the word means???"...they just looked at each other...then looked at me and said..."we just had this conversation two or three minutes ago"...shit , now that's ironic .

bigfoot and the clergyman

after a brilliant sermon on the missing apostles and their mothers...the reverend and his family decided to take a camping trip somewhere near mount st. helens...(you know , relaxation and spiritual enlightenment and stuff like that)...night five , however...they were awakened to this hideous shriek just out side the tent...the minister was to get out of bed...open up the zipper...look outside...and who should he see but the one and only...bigfoot...and he was jerking-off all over the place...next scene...next sunday...the good minister gets up to preach his sermon...he begins : "how many of you good folk want to let the loch-ness monster...i mean bigfoot...into your life as your personal savior ???"  there was silence . 

comfort , etc.

until you are ready to be uncomfortable...you are not ready to live .

bi-product of a leftover fuck

in terms of people...almost everyone beautiful i know was thrown out in the garbage

dynamics :

1-"not of this world"
2-this truth resonates across the universe
3-consequences
4-damage
5-a miracle
6-redemption
7-inspired life

who are the chosen???


1-alive...opposed to zombies
2-insane...love is insanity in this world
3-broken...from another universe...the entrance in shattering
4-guided...in spite of...because of
5-love and mercy

"my family are those who do the will of my father"

the grand illusion...sept.29 2012

1950...the church goes on a picnic...but no bowling...why ??? do you ask...simple...it was the devils playing ground...those fucking lanes and shoes and all...of course , they now have moved on to other crap !!! beer , masturbation...whatever...and if some sucker gets the "privilege" of leading them out of that pile of lies...you can just imagine what they will do to the poor bastard during the process...and how quickly they will forget about his post traumatic stress after the battle is over...( you know the story..."us , being that stupid...no way...you must be thinking of someone else")...it is all a GRAND ILLUSION...finding "sins" to hide behind so nobody can see how evil they are...i would say...stop it...but we all know that will never happen .  

angels getting religion

the mother and the boy that swims

this mother sends her boy swimming...tells him to have a shower afterward...then gives him a six foot blow up duck to wrap around his waist while he is cleaning off...then hands him a list of songs he must sing while bathing himself......"suspicious minds"...by elvis was first...followed closely by "the beatles"..."hey , jude  "...the weird thing...this little social mis-fit geek-child was completely high on grass . 

pre-arranged marriage

the myth of love :

1-look for love
2-find love
3-all is fine

the truth of love :

1-you are wounded
2-neurosis is created
3-buried
4-find a corresponding relationship that fits the wound
5-unnatural bond is created
6-because needs are being met...often takes a long time to fall apart
7-blame

for the most part...the human race is led by its hurt...which is not bad...it depends what we do with it :

1-led by our hurt
2-discover this as we go
3-embrace and then turn around
4-relationships slowly become healthier
5-love is born of spirit...not unnatural affection

"i will lead you into all truth"

summer camping

the thing i never understood about summer camping was...where in the fuck are you supposed to masturbate??? i mean  , it's a private thing , right ??? after careful deliberation i concluded that you were supposed to do it under the bottom bunk and cover yourself by taking the blankets down to the floor...of course , once you get going...everyone who enters will think the place is haunted...all the noises and such...and run for the fucking door...anyway...it is a primitive solution , i know...bottom line is...all summer camps need a masturbatorium .

the campaign signs

there were all these protesters...with all of their protests signs..."down with this"..."go eat shit"...you know the ones...then there was this one sign...didn't really know what to think of it...strange , actually...yet i am sure it meant someone to the fucker carrying it...it read : "lust...nobody knows what it is...but everyone knows how to do it"...see ,  told ya it was strange .

the geese...october 17 2013

it's wonderful that your wife is half decent...but i'm fucking terrified of what the other half is like . 

an ode to a goose in puberty...oct. 22 2012

daddy goose says to his daughter..."don't worry , honey...no matter how big your tits get...they won't be as big as the one on top of your mothers shoulders". 

moses parting the red sea

jesus

do you find it kinda weird that jesus was never asked an intelligent question ???

the new wrestler

there is a new wrestler on the wrestling scene...his name is SNACKY...he beats the fuck out of you...kicks you in the nuts...then eats a bag of corn chips before he leaves the ring...thing is...he doesn't like corn chips very much at all...and quite often...pukes all over the place . 

the most arrogant thing ever ???

so mit romney is accusing pres. obama of poor leadership because the unemployment rate hasn't dropped as acutely as he (obama) forecast ed...so let me get this straight...romney's party drove america into the deepest recession since "the great depression"...(i don't know what was so great about it)...his party essentially pulverized every bill to reform and reestablish (or whatever) that was proposed by the democratic party...and now he has the testicles to blame all this deep shit that america is in on the very man who is slowly but surely resolving it...POINT...this may not be the most arrogant accusation in the history of the universe...but it will do until it gets here .     

atlantic chicken

so there i was in whitehorse...a sunny day...time to go home...one foot in the direction of the airport...the other sort of calling me to the road...hitch-hiking from whitehorse to halifax...what an adventure that would be !!! i am not saying i was a chicken...but , fuck...i would do until the chicken got there...one thing i learned about adventure books...they remain unwritten until the adventure happens .   

love or law

people with "crunched nuts"...not being allowed in the temple...reason...if you can't add to our population...we will humiliate you

religion :

1-we are fallen
2-we feel our needs
3-we worship them...making ourselves "god"
4-project them upon a deity
5-we write them down
6-impose them upon others
7-incorporate violence when we so desire

religion is walking away from god
the further the walk...the more violent we become 
fuck your wife...no matter how much you hate her...as love is not in the equation

love is a hard road :

1-see our religion
2-turn away
3-we begin to love-transparency
                            -motives begin to become pure
                            -loyalty
4-we are  no longer god...instead , humbled by the POWER OF LOVE
5-we fight our darkness daily

"red letter christian"...no law only love
live luv

how this planet got its name

so god said to his only son , jesus (in case you are wondering) , let's call it planet BRAINWASHED... jesus scratched his head for a minute...and replied..."too fucking obvious , father...let us call it...EARTH"...the lord shook his shoulders and muttered ..."i will call it anything you want , my boy...but just remember this...you owe me one ".

my dear friend t.e.

"the same mouth that licks the boot that kicks it...bites the hand that feeds it."

nostradamus's great...great grand son

there will be a time on this planet...when the shit really hits the fan...and all the people will say...holy shit...did you ever see so much shit in your fucking life...shit , man...roll me another number .

chocolate chip cookies

so i walk into this restaurant and ask for a chocolate chip cookie...they reply..."we have blueberry muffins"...i say..".well , if you can take out the blueberries , and all that other muffin stuff , and replace it with chocolate chips and chocolate chip ingredients...that would be just fine ".   

liars

liars always end up on top...but it never lasts that long...because there are always other liars to take their place .

moses enters the promised land

just trying to make you think...

sure wisdom can bring healing...but it also brings one hell of a distance between yourself and everyone else...and since we are on the topic...if god wanted me to tell the truth...then why did  he put me on a planet with a pack of fucking liars ??? and how about this one...the beautiful firm oak gets cut down for someones gratification...while the thorny  piece of shit bush...gets to bask in the sun all day...do you know how lonely it would be being superman ??? time to start my day .  

choosing love

it is better to choose love and do it poorly...than to choose anything else and do it to perfection .

the camera

ug the caveman and his girlfriend tracy were out in a meadow screwing...when , out from nowhere , a t. rex appeared from the forest and began to chase them down...so ug did what any brave warrior would...he pushed her to the ground and continued to scedaddle...eventually , a safe distance away...he glanced over his shoulder to see what the fuck actually happened...and there he saw tracy , getting ripped apart limb from limb...which gave him a fantastic idea..."i will invent the camera" , he said...then made his way back to camp .  

the horny pentecostal

this businessman opened up a coffee shop and decided to call it..."the horny  pentecostal"...anyway...within two days there were 5,000 pentecostals protesting outside his store...and what did they do come break time ??? they bought themselves a delicious cup of coffee at the "horny pentecostal"...and this went on...until the owner could retire...amen . 

sex part 2

THE BRIEF HISTORY OF THE SEXUAL EVOLUTION OF THE HUMAN RACE 

i do not believe in evolution...(to me...evolution would be like blowing up a forest and having it come down as the complete 1967 edition of "playboy" magazine)...and i don't believe in the adam and eve shit either...(according to the movie "oh , god"...they were just kids...and who in their right mind would heap such a responsibility upon the backs of a couple of children)...what i do believe is that SOMETHING happened...i personally refer to this something as the GREAT SOMETHING...and right afterwards...everyone started fucking...and that we all can agree on . 

(o.k.yes , i do believe that some sort of evolution took place...it is just that there is so much missing information that i am sure would fuck us up if we really knew what it was...hence , this is why we can't figure it out ). 

sex...part 1

A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE SEXUAL EVOLUTION OF THE HUMAN RACE

sex used to be an expression of love...then people would lie about it being an expression of love...then , fuck it...who has time to lie ??? and now...if someone has issue with you having sex with them with no emotional connection what-so-ever...well , take them to the nut house !!!

slight exageration

when i lived in australia...myself...my friend...and this seven foot cardinal climbed to the top of a mountain...(took the car actually)...and posted a sign begging people not to jump off at that particular spot...well , i guess we just did not appreciate how rebellious australians are...that is to say...instead of the regular three or four that usually jump per year...69 , 437 jumped to their death instead...so much for good intentions .  

jesus the alien

some people believe that jesus was an alien from a distant planet...fact of the matter is...anyone who has affection for the human race would have to be an alien...you know...of one sort or another , anyway .

fucking things up

why is the easiest art to learn...the art of fucking everything up ???

change

people simply do not know why they are doing what they are doing

dynamics :

1-we are who we are
2-we get lost : fear / socialization / laziness / lust
3-become someone else
4-defend it with violence
5-worship it

life is a process of becoming more or less real...nobody stays the same...and everybody wants to make you like them : church / state / family

yet...you are made to be you :

1-embrace confusion
2-identify...and understand
3-"fight the good fight" : community / passion / humility

patterns

they teach us how to change patterns...and we teach ourselves how to feel like shit when it does not happen...POINT...it is not so much that we change patterns...but to learn how to love and accept ourselves just the way we are...patterns are not to be met with force...but with compassion and understanding...and this allows us to at least see ourselves well enough to deal with ourselves with appropriately...and that is about all we need...love is light !!!   

after the hurricane

after the hurricane
i make a cup of coffee
and go for a walk
all the stores being shut down
i am inevitably asked the question
"where did you get your coffee???"
this allows me to
not only feel important
but
furthermore
to give people wrong directions

i love hurricanes

world peace

community and patience

it takes decades to build a healthy community...no exceptions...people are people...jesus , for example...the moment he left the situation...his disciples drew straws to find a replacement for the deceased disciple...not only that...they began to spread the rumor  that j.c. was coming back any day...(he was not)...the fact of the matter is that love is a gift from another universe...and the process of bringing it down here...even in the smallest quantities...takes...1-patience...2-suffering...3-humility...4-guidance...and...5- sacrifice...there is no other way...and as for those "mega" churches found throughout the world...you can just imagine the shit fest happening on the other side of those walls .  

community part 2

our importance is found in loving those god has placed in our lives
yet this is not a priority
deterioration of community :

1-adam and eve...the first community
2-enters pride...taking control
3-the soul deteriorates
4-we hide...behind almost anything
5-self righteousness overcompensates for our position

lies we tell ourselves to perpetuate the deterioration of community :

1-not enough love to go around...hoard for immediate family
2-look out for # one
3-community is good...make it as big as possible
4-community is polite
5-leave when difficult
6-community is easy...no real work involved 
7-your personal life does not affect your community

you are no bigger than the love you make
live luv

geese september 2012 alibi

one goose says to the cop...(who also happens to be a goose)..."how in the fuck can i possibly have an alibi ??? i murdered everyone i was with last night ".

virgins being sex symbols

i think
more virgins
should be sex symbols
mainly because
irony
is what turns me on

moses the sperm

be yourself , little goose

one goose says to his son...(who , by strange coincidence , also happens to be a goose)..."i want you to be yourself , son...as long as your self is just like every other dumb mother fucker who exists on this planet" ) . 

the three dynamics of community

the essence of life is to sustain and nurture ones body...take this one step further...we must sustain and nurture ones community...that is to say...we almost literally become one with each other...supporting our "flock" in every respect imaginable...there are three main variables involved here...FIRST...make sure your community is your community...fuck , man...if you have to give a kidney to  another human being...then make sure that person was divinely planted within the context of your life...and not some dummy that found his way into your soul so you can have some neurotic need met... SECONDLY...do not screw around...if community is there to support you "come hell or high water"...then your own contribution to the equation is very important...in other words...don't be a fucking sponge...embrace the divinity of the universe...and allow him to saturate your being...then..."as freely as you have received...give"...and THIRDLY...repeat the first two...that is to say...it is almost impossible to truly have a fully functioning organic community...so if it is going to happen...#1 and #2 must be ingrained into the bottom of your soul...and that's it...(not really...but for today) . 

genius

for the most part...people cannot appreciate genius...however...they can compensate for this by viciously attacking it...(which does not make it better at all...but makes them feel it is).

penis birthday