how to recover from church...whitehorse part 7... part 2

when i was an eighteen year old boy...i got myself involved in a right wing fascist fundamentalist church situation...not a coincidence at all...you see...my father was an abusive alcoholic...and my subconscious mind was being attracted to the thing that it was familiar with...point being...look around you...what is there just did not simply happen...it is there for a reason..we can blame others until..."the cows come home"...but it does not help...regardless of how much truth there is attached to it...BOTTOM LINE...never expect someone to either take responsibility for what they have done to you...and / or change...let them go...find real love...and let the healing begin .

how to recover from church...whitehorse part 7

the truth of the matter is that we all get hurt...non-the-less...some hurts are far deeper than others...specifically...sexual and spiritual damage seems to be the most profound...and the reason is simple...these are the areas that are most central to our existence...the question is...how are these things resolved???

dynamics :

1-we are hurt
2-we begin to process the pain...anger...harsh judgments of those who hurt us are completely normal
3-enters prayer...whatever that means to you...basically...love becomes an umbrella over the situation
4-let go...communication...time...real forgiveness...are all aspects of this process
5-we learn...making mistakes is part of our human existence...very few ever learn from them...but be one of them

t.b.c.

intimacy

these days...the general population seems to feel that just about anything is reasonable human behavior...that is...until you love someone intimately...fully...completely...with no sexual dynamic what-so-ever...this fucks people up like my mothers home made wine...the question is...why does intimacy have this type of effect upon people???

the answer is...people are terrified of anything they do not understand .


dynamics :

1-children attempt to love in this type of way
2-pain is introduced
3-they fold
4-love substitutes are introduced...co-dependency...meaningless sex...power relationships , etc.
5-institutionalized
6-intimacy is now seen as a threat...(but if you are screwing...they will let you "off the hook")
7-defend with violence...(all lies are accompanied with violence)

a couple points in conclusion...first...family relationships do not count...our biology demands we have intimacy here...it is a very sick individual that goes against this...and secondly...pretending you are intimate does not count either...down deep inside...we all know who the impostors are...and they are let off the proverbial hook as well .

it all comes down to this...intimacy is not only difficult...but it is a taboo in our society...and not only that...but we pretend it is not...so...GOOD LUCK .

OH , BY THE WAY...i forgot to tell you...it is just about the only thing worth pursuing .

how to find weapons that heal the heart-being human pt.11

when one is deprived of love...everything becomes a metaphor for what is needed.
dynamics :

1-hurt
2-a wound...or hole...is created in ones psychology
3-act out to find relief
4-justify
5-develop a false world to hide within...and avoid consequences...of chasing illusions of life instead of life

the human existence , then...should be centered around making life no longer a metaphor...the human existence...should be centered around the journey of becoming real...love and real are interchangeable...the journey into one...is the journey into the other...and the journey into finding ones self...point...let love fill you...love will guide you into situations that will facilitate the healing process...and more and more...every day...a real universe will disclose itself within your own little world .

the confession

i was having dinner with this young lady in switzerland...(i had horse...i forget what she ate)...anyway...she was telling me about the new phase of her spiritual journey...how all she wanted was honesty and complete transparency...in response...i told her every little detain about my life...and that ended that relationship...point...more important than who you are...is being who you are...and embracing who you are...as for saying you are on thing and being another...this...not only fucks people up...but it will never allow true relationship to happen...luv stu .

joy

the human condition...the spiritual aspect anyway...is created in such a manner...that there is only one way to experience pure joy...and that is to love another more than ones self...to be subordinate to another...regardless of to what extent that love is returned...i was singing a song to myself recently...just moments before i walked into a record store...and bought an album with that particular song on it...(which i was completely unaware of until i got it home and put it on my turntable)...it goes like this :"friend i will remember you /think of you/pray for you/and when another day is through/i will still be friends with you"...luv stu

March 25

the" holy man"

so this muslem fellow wanted to commit adultery...but he did not want to upset god...what he did...(true story)...was to somehow get these permits that allowed for him to be married for one day...to all these various women...hence...got god on a technicality...my point...this behavior is the essence of religion...he just took it a bit further than most...god is love...religion is what happens when love is no longer there...remember...religion crucified jesus...and not much has changed in 2000 years...live luv

church games

i think the best thing that i was told in church...(and by best i mean most weird)...was that jesus and your "pastor"...would someday get together and decide if you should burn in hell...or what ever...point...why do people seem so obsessed with controlling each others lives??? fuck...i can hardly control my own life...yet maybe that is the issue...urica!!! i got it...the less control you have over yourself...the more you feel compelled to control another...that is to say...life...for most...is simply one overcompensation after another...whatever they are...the opposite will be transmitted to the world...but what kind of fucking existence is that??? not my business...luv stu

the reality of love

the reality of love...is that it is concerned with nothing but giving itself away...in the pureness of selflessness...there is , paradoxically...joy unspeakable...and this is the reward...true love is finding yourself in a stream of divine will...letting it flow to whoever and where ever it may go...and accepting that for what it is and not what it is not...if love is to be returned...all the better...but ultimately...it is love for the sake of loving .

the day ride home

so...i was driving to camp kidston...to spend my 1979 summer...i picked up this young lady hitch-hiking...apparently...she was going to the same place to do the same thing...we talked...we laughed...we arrived...i think it was the first day...we got into the religion mandate...she cried...and ran away...never to be seen again...at the time...i just thought she had bad theology...as a man...i thought she had a point...now , in the place that i am in...i wonder...was she an angel...preparing me for...life the universe...and everything??? just a thought...anyway...she was right...luv stu

March 22

tread lightly

i wrote this song with my friend entitled..."tread lightly"...it is about god visiting adam and eve after their divorce...he takes them to a movie...and there on screen...is adam...screwing some other woman during the time of their marriage...eve goes insane...popcorn flying everywhere...a true cluster-fuck...then god calms her down...and he utters these soft , kind words..."it's a double feature"...now...i hope i do not have to tell you what the second movie was about...point..."TREAD LIGHTLY , MY BROTHERS...WE ARE ALL JUST MOTHER FUCKERS"...or so the song goes...luv stu .

the minister

this lady met this ordained minister on the internet...and decided that she wanted to date him...so they dated...a short while later...she discovers that he is one of the biggest ass holes in the universe...her way of dealing with this...she wanted to sue the fuckers who ordained him for not "doing their homework"...guess what , lady...they are not the only ones who did not "do their homework"...point...isn't strange how we almost inevitably judge others for the very things we do ourselves??? if this is you...stop it...luv stu

the godzilla saga

just in case you got a little lost in regards to the godzilla / mothra entries...this may help...next time you look at divorce statistics...don't...the truth is that it is a lot easier to get out of a healthy relationship than it is an unhealthy relationship...co-dependence...fear...using another to resolve ones past...all sorts of shit keep people together...whereas...in a healthy relationship...only love can keep it together...and contrary to what we have all been fed...not too many people really give a flying fuck about love...luv stu

March 17

godzilla...letters to mothra...part 1...blame

dear mothra

i started drinking again...got into the bottle...next thing you know...i flatten tokyo...and guess what??? it is all your fault...fucker...if you had come back like i said...this would not have happened...boy...you are in deep shit.

sincerely

godzilla

godzilla...leters to mothra...part 2...sublimation

dear mothra

last week i said to myself...fuck it...and i took off to the other side of japan...and hunted down monster o...and beat the crap out of him...thing is...he is not you...and those three heads of his...make me want to puke...he is such a fucking sissy...the little prick is armed to the teeth...literally...you can't even breathe fire and you could beat the shit out of him...you don't know what you got until it is gone , i guess...please come back.

sincerely
godzilla

godzilla...letters to mothra...part 3...co-dependance

dear mothra

ever since you went back to monster island...it has not been the same around here...the sound of ripping your wings apart as you squeal and blow sand into my eyeballs...what could ever replace that??? i hate to admit this...but i need you...please come back to tokyo .

sincerely
godzilla

how to live in humility...being human part 2

if you ever save someones life...here is what to expect :

1-gratitude...obvious , right???
2-pride enters the picture
3-hostility aimed in your general direction...you left them..."exposed"
4-attacking...any part of your character will do...we all have weaknesses to be exploited
5-isolation...to what extent depends upon the individuals involved...at the very least...in the words of john hiatt..."a permanent hurt"

it is humility that allows us to see beyond this mode of behavior...humility opens us up to the truth and reality of what is really going on...love is humility...love sees all...then allows us to drive the situation into a place of healing and joy

puff the magic dragon

the story of..."puff the magic dragon"...is the story of a relationship that worked...just about perfectly , actually...until the boy hit a certain age and discovered girls...or whatever...here is how it all , more or less...went down :

1-everything was fine...adam and eve kind of stuff
2-a new variable was introduced...possibly fear of being found out to be different...probably puberty
3-a rift begins...nobody admits they are leaving for a "better deal"...so some serious deceit is taking place
4-there is a falling out...then a bastardization...that is to say...it is a lot easier to leave a thing...than a relationship with real feelings
5-morality is introduced...strange is it not??? we associate morality with goodness...but the truth of the matter is that morality arrives on the scene because we need something to sustain us after we murder love

...so the next time you listen to that wonderful song..."puff the magic dragon"...think about me...luv stu

father figure march 5 2011

quite often my role in this universe has been that of a father figure...here is how it frequently plays out :

1-befriend another
2-the relationship grows
3-patterns form
4-the "father figure" emerges
5-unaware of hatred for father
6-abuse occurs
7-abuse is denied
8-lies and deception cover things up
9-institutionalize the relationship...(reality is replaced by ritual)
10-the relationship either ends...or becomes a cancer
11-regardless...a world of hurt

the truth of the situation is that there is nothing wrong with the first six dynamics...however...when the hurt begins to manifest...it is then that things have to be looked at and engaged with true humility...remember...pain is supposed to be our friend...we are to look at our pain...see why it is there...and then begin the journey...in love...of resolving it...live luv .

why i am seen to be worse than an axe murderer

in case you have not figured it out...during my 23 years of "christian ministry"...i have pissed off a lot of clergymen...i would say...that they would see me as worse than an axe murderer...you see...an axe murderer is someone that...not only makes certain types of individuals feel good about themselves...(because they are "better" than that)...an axe murderer also facilitates entertainment and will never have a direct effect on their silly little lives...me...on the other hand...if "my" ideas ever reach the main stream...they could end up selling vacuum cleaners from door to door...and...yes...i do think many people are that self centered...especially clergymen...luv stu

jeff the crow part 2

there i am at a friends place of business...telling him the story of "jeff the crow"...(see october 15th entry)...anyway...after the story...he turns and looks at his computer screen...and there it is...written right before him...the name..."jeff crow"...we do not even know why it was there or how it got there...luv stu .

March 10

my cartoon : the rapture

mainly because abstract thought is not taught in school anymore...once again...i will articulate the meaning of a cartoon...specifically...the goose being"raptured" :

this cartoon is not about how we can all tell god to" go fuck himself" because that is a reasonable thing to do...on the contrary...it is about human arrogance...how we do not know our place in the universe...and how we , ultimately...carelessly fuck around with things we do not comprehend...(the environment would be a good example)...to think this cartoon is simply there to have a "go" at god...would be in fact...the opposite of its meaning...luv stu .

March 9

wind man

just finished watching this movie...the sub plot was concerned with a man who believed that people were meant to fly...40 minutes later...he was caught in a fire saving an "angels" life...and he dies...about five minutes after the movie was over...it dawned on me...he did learn to fly...by giving his life for another...he was flying...not the hollywood flying...but the more important and real kind...a selfish man spreading his wings and soaring across the universe...has his head up his ass and his feet in the mud...things are seldom the way they appear...it is the true lover that ignites the universe...and is brighter than the midday sky...it does not matter what the aesthetic looks like...this universe , my friends...is a mere poor reflection of something far more real...live luv .

counterfeits of love

why is love counterfeited??? simple...people want to be known as good and caring without the responsibilities there of...thing is...just like love...the counterfeits will be..."tried by fire"...but...guess what...they will be completely and utterly destroyed...every time...the result...people will be hurt...there is no need for this...if you did not lead people in the wrong direction in the first place...this would not have happened...the counterfeits of love are :

1-co-dependence...quite possibly a very long life span...but needs change over the years...appearances change as well...furthermore...the dynamic of..." you meet my need...and i meet yours"...has little to do with the eternal principal of love .

2-politeness...many religions are formed around this concept...this is "paper thin"...when truth rears its ugly head...all is gone...except the people who took it seriously...(like myself)...and
are stuck wondering what the fuck happened???

3-lust...the dynamic of wanting something another has...then disappearing after it no longer meets your needs...the art of dehumanizing people.

conclusion...it is wonderful to love people...it is understandable if you do not...however..."let your yes be yes and your no be no"...luv stu

LOVE

do you know what is wrong with world??? pretty fucking simple , actually...people really just do not love each other...and what makes it far worse is that there is a star trek-type cloaking device to hide this from all involved...(that being you and me)...one of the greatest enemies of love is , of course...organized religion...rituals...formulas...identifying yourself with a notion of human existance which just ain't true...all these things people hide behind to construct a notion of life that is complete and utter bull shit...do i believe in jesus??? hard not to when i have actually seen him...that is not my point...my point is true spirituality leaves you naked and exposed for who you are...religion...the opposite...anyway...if i remember...tomorrow i will bitch about the counterfeits of love...have a nice day...luv stu...and oh, yes...there is another new entry four or five entries down .

hard cold fact that is unpopular

there is nothing worse...than a reformed addict...society may or may not benefit...but usually...it all goes to shit...people will or will not become addicts...our responsibility is to make sure that this goes to a good place...choose your addictions carefully...and allow them to manifest in appropriate circumstances...it is a cruel fucking world...and 99.99 % of the people really do not want to be a crutch for the emotionally challenged...(as if they are not themselves)...however...they are more than willing to judge...i am not advocating addiction...if you can beautifully and freely get better...fine...but in a world that is profoundly against healing and resolution...and completely whornie over the counterfeits...this is very unlikely...point being...just do your best...and don't let the bastards get you down...luv stu

the importance of diet

the way one stays young in appearance...is four fold...following love...where ever it may lead...forgiveness...however difficult...treating people with unequivocal goodness...and a healthy diet...now the reason why most people lean on the diet thing is obvious...you see...the diet only makes up one % of the equation...but since very few take the first three dynamics into consideration...the one % suddenly becomes 100 %...which , of course...is a hell of a lot...luv stu

my fathers uique friend

my father had this very interesting friend...(the guy who blew up the trout)...one day...this gentleman...walked into his next door neighbor house with a gun...stuck it into his face...and proceeded to tell him that he was taking his wife away...and there was not a fucking thing he could do about it...(she was in on it too)...the thing is...we are all like this...hopefully not as colorful about it...but the bottom line is...anything that is not done in love...is similar in nature to this action...point...whatever you do...do in love...luv stu

the renovation

i was walking down the street not too long ago...and there was this pizza joint with a sign on it...it said..."closed for renovations"...next day...the place was completely torn down...and that got me thinking about the human race...one extreme or the other , we are...in terms of pizza places...in terms of our self assessment...even our sexuality...i mean...how many people are as straight as they think they are??? and how many as gay??? point...line yourself up...figure out what the fuck is going on with you...then articulate it as clearly as possible...love is a lot of things...real is one of them...luv stu

community is life insurance...february 26 2011

this may have not occurred to you...but life insurance companies are not there to make sure that yours is a safe and secure existence...they are there to make money...they are , in fact...a cold...heartless...unfeeling multi-national company...and if they can find anyway to take your money and leave you completely naked in the rubble of your once warm and cozy home...they sure as fuck will...point...the only real insurance we have...is because we are loved and we love...it is true relationship that saves us from the wolves...not a contract and a hand shake of a complete stranger...climbing his way to the top by increasing profit...not by being a kind and gentle humanitarian...and one thing..."no greater love has a man than this...that he lay down his life for his brother"...now , does that sound like a fucking insurance company to you???"

March 1

resolution

when i was 12 years old...i went to see this movie..."the legend of boggy creek"...i was alone that night...and for hours i just stared at the door thinking that that big fucking monster was going to crash right through it and take my head off my neck...how did i finally get to sleep , you ask??? simple...i concluded that since my great aunt lived in the flat directly below me...odds were that he would assassinate her instead...besides...if he decided to chase both of us...i could run much faster...point...the basis of most relationships is not necessarily healthy...whoever you hold close to your heart...make sure it is not because you are faster than they are...(so to speak)...luv stu